and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
