I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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