I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
