I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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