I need to stop coming to work sober
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
