If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
