You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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