it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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