Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
