Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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