you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
