True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
