She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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