It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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