You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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