Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Randomize
