Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
you made out with another girl for some wings
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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