You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I currently don't understand fingers.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
