Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
