last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
