In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My butt remains clenched, sir.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
