i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
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It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
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No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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