Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
