Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
