I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
