and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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