You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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