remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
