3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
