I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
