So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
