Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
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