Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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