Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
