guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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