Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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