My hand turned me down
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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