Have you finally orgasmed yet?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
