Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
