A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
