I cannot find my penis.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
