There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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