I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
