he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
