everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
