first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
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I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
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I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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