I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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