we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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