your thong is hanging out like whoa
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
