What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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