just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
