hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
