she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
