I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
