from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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