but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
