And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
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Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
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I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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