I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
