Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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